Free Writing – Errors? Probably.

Editor’s note (pretty much me sounding cool): I wrote this when I was told to free write. Free writing is weird, like me. 

The thing about “free writing” is this: It usually starts off with nothing, such as what you are reading, and turns into something that has nothing to do with the first sentence you wrote.

Staying on one thought during a free write is tough, given that I am “free” to write about anything, I usually bounce from one idea to the next with little discretion.

I am constantly searching for the end of the page, wondering when it will poke out of the all-white abyss. I usually glance at the clock. At this point, I still have nine minutes to go and few ideas to go on.

Oh well. Something will pop into my head if I keep typing, apparently. I just read the Winnipeg Jets line combinations for tomorrow. They look interesting. Adam Lowry is on the wing; his familiar left side position with Mark Scheifele centering him.

I just tweeted on Twitter. See what I mean? Ugh. Writing without purpose isn’t really writing to me. What angle do I have to go on? I found one, I guess. My angle is to find an angle so I don’t take my fingers off the keyboard, as instructed.

I am supposed to be writing something about “This I believe… instructor just told me to not think to hard about this. Too late.

Anyways. This I Believe is a website, a place where people write their beliefs. Go freakin’ figure, am I right?

Anyways… shoot, I just said anyways again. Well, anyway (DAMMIT) the assignment is for me to write something on what I believe. It has to be 350 to 400 words and it should be interesting.

Interesting, you say?

She asked if I generated anything interesting? Did I? I can take my hands off my keyboard now. They’re a little clammy. The pressure is real, folks.

School’s In, Are You?

Photo courtesy of The Student’s Life.

By Scott Billeck – @scottbilleck on Twitter

School.

School creates anxiety. And not just because there are deadlines and tests and all those sorts of things. No. Not even because I have to get up in front of the class and recite something I wrote.

Nope. School creates anxiety for me because I’d rather be at home where it is safe.

The start of a new week can be overwhelming for me. It’s daunting thinking that Friday at 5 o’clock is so far off the radar.

My medication certainly helps with the process and getting me through. I remember a time before I was on a prescription when I would literally come home from a long day at work or school and break down. I would let out a good cry, not knowing fully why I was doing so, only that I felt like complete horseshit.

I haven’t done that in a while, but I have been on some decent medication to prevent it. And the last time it happened, I know that mental illness wasn’t a “thing.” That people experiencing symptoms were labelled as weak and, for a lack of a better term, a “pussy.” Especially as a guy, who should be tough and in control of situations.

The problem is I couldn’t do it. I lost a job directly as a result of it. I couldn’t function and I HATED being there. I remember walking in the morning I got fired, nothing was on my desk, everything have been removed. What a great feeling, honestly. I was so happy to know I wouldn’t have to face that anymore.

Unfortunately, I still had to. Assuming the fetal position and trying to hide only works for so long.

There are times when I am excited about school. Certain classes get me amped up and knowing I am on top of my work makes me a little less anxious about not falling behind. I also know my limits. I know when I have to get out and remove myself from it. It’s part of life and I live with it.

This is true for many people, and many people have it a lot worse then me. Some don’t even get out of bed in the morning. I am lucky, but only because I have worked at it and accepted that I am sick and need help and support to make it through.

Unfortunately, not everyone has found this point in their walk with mental illness. I encourage you, if this is your story, to seek help. You’re not weak, you’re sick. And that’s OK.

I was a mid-20s “man” bawling my eyes out because I couldn’t handle it all. It’s possible, despite your circumstances, to get out of that pit or one similar.

Take that step.

Sick, not weak

Photo courtesy of Lakeview Church in Regina.

By Scott Billeck – @scottbilleck on Twitter

Ah, blogs. There are so many of them out there and so little time to peruse through them all. Luckily for me, if you are reading this up until this point, you have the time, providing I can keep you hooked.

Now, this blog won’t be for everyone. My public life is sports writing for the most part, but my personal life is much different. Although threads through both can be found lying out in the open, like my love for sports and willingness to talk abundantly about them, other threads don’t often see the light of day.

From the first feeling somewhere in my 14^th year of existence, to the time you are reading this, I have dealt with mental illness. No, I’m not crazy or challenged or retarded or whatever world you might associate mental illness with. No. I am sick. Not weak. But sick.

And that’s OK.

Life deals you the hand you’re dealt with and you have little choice in negating some of its choices. I can keep my depression under control through medication, which I do. I fight anxiety often, sometimes daily. Scratch that. Often daily.

And that’s OK.

No one ever said life would be easy. And, other than mental health issues and being slightly overweight, I have a clean bill of health.

The focus of this blog, by design, is for it to be a platform where you, the reader, can comment, vent, argue, debate, call me an ass, and so on and so forth. Be my guest.

The comment section below is a sounding board. There is also the opportunity to post anonymously. If you would like to share your own personal story, please, do. You may find it therapeutic, you may find it well to get some thoughts and feelings onto something. Go for it.

The stigma around mental health illness hasn’t faded. People still don’t get it. Your family may not get it. Your partner may not get it.

You may not get it.

And that’s OK.

Like any other challenge in life, depression can be managed and overcome. There are a wealth of aids out there to assist in the matter, too. But if you find yourself needing to chat, leave a comment below.

The plan here, at least while I am in school, is to write at least one weekly column about mental health issues, with a particular focus on depression and anxiety. Join me, if you would like, as we strive to shed the curtain that blinds many regarding mental illness.

Below, you will find my story of depression. I wrote this back for Hockey Talks, in conjunction with Bell Let’s Talk Day. Despite the hockey angle, depression remains what it is. If you want, take some time to read it. Hopefully, I will be hearing from you below.

Remember, you’re not weak. You’re sick.

And that’s OK.